I knew this was coming

Today we had our third visit with L. It was hard. All the older children are learning to expect us and greet us with "Namaste brother/sister" and hands eager to embrace (or be embraced). Hugs. They all throw their arms around us, grab our hands and drag us inside all pulling equally hard in different directions. They are so hungry for love. And then there is our sweet L propped comfortably on his Didi's hip and you can see by the look on his face that he knows by now that we are there for him. Except he is not as quick to jump into our arms.


I brought a new toy today and discovered that he really likes music. I brought the Leap Frog Fridge DJ toy. He almost danced a little moving his shoulders back and forth to the tune of the music. Another new toy today was a balloon that has a rubber band attached to the end of it. He enjoyed kicking that around and imitated me when I quickly hit it off my fist many times. After we played happily for some time, I asked his Didi to quietly slip out so we could start to bond with him now that he is comfortable with us. We can tell that he is not afraid of us and enjoys the toys we brought to help break the ice.

He has a Didi radar! As soon as she left the room, the crying began. We expected this would be his reaction and were prepared to help him "work it out." This is very difficult for us to see him so distraught when we are trying to build trust, and even more difficult for Didi, since Nepali's do not let their children cry for more than 30 seconds. She disappeared and the only thing that would console him for even a second was food. He stopped crying only long enough to cram in another bite. I was afraid he would choke so we limited the use of food. After manhandling him (he is very heavy and so strong)for my turn, I gave Daddy a try. And then....he reached back for me! I know it is just a baby step and he didn't have many choices at that point, but, he reached for me!!!! It made me so happy to know that he preferred me. Don't get me wrong, I want him to love his Daddy too and he will. I know he likes playing with him (which really is Daddy's job) and is not afraid of him. But when a baby wants to be comforted, usually he wants his Mommy.

He reached for me and then he laid his head on my shoulder and fell asleep. Now I realize that everyone is tired after they cry and fight like he did for 20 minutes, and I know that sleep is a coping mechanism so I am not going to be naive to think that he has bonded and all is going to go well from here on out. But I am going to take that as a baby step. Eventually his limp sleeping body became very heavy and I had to sit down. I moved him off of my shoulder and cradled him. I just wanted to hold him and watch him sleep. Something I have been dreaming of for such a long time. I wanted to hold him until he woke up so he knew I was still there and I was safe. He startled once, opening his eyes and reclosing them to settle back into his slumber. He was not afraid. Eventually the time came for us to leave so I had to wake him. He did not cry until she got within his vision and then he began to whimper.

These steps seem so small, but they count. They all count toward that relationship of love and trust that he can depend on. I was telling his Didi that I understand how much he will grieve her loss since she has been the only mother he has ever known. As she dropped her head she uttered a sentimental response. "I too. I as well." As challenging as it is going to be to watch his grief, his tears are justified. He follows her everywhere, and she picks him up. Any typically developing biological child goes through seperation anxiety at his age. I actually for this, that he would have felt loved and cared for.  I will try to understand his tears and kiss them away. We will probably cry together often. It was hard to leave him there today. I am ready to start providing his daily care and really begin the attachment and bonding process.

His sisters are ready to meet him. They constantly ask about him and what he is like. Our four year old, E is already practicing her new role of being a big sister and having someone to boss around nurture. My friend who is staying with the girls reported this E quote to me: Today when we were leaving for the park E packed a water bottle and said "This one is for L."