A week of revelation

Those days in the first week of June God provided me the time and space to have a spiritual retreat in my own home. My eyes were opened to many "signs" He provided to point me to China. Heart was tender and my ears were ready to listen to His small, still (yet very clear voice). I still had many doubts that it was actually God's voice guiding my fingertips to explore You Tube videos(mostly of Maria Sue Chapman)/Adoption Agency websites/blogs.....

One night I was led to the blog of a new friend who had finally given birth to her first child after years of failed attempts to conceive. If you know me at all, you know how much I love the entire process from conception to breastfeeding to bonding..... Those early days of bonding and attachment are priceless. I read her entire blog from the past two years detailing her desire to be mother and her frustration of infertility. I read on through the medical trials and eventual correction of the condition. Then God chose to bless my sweet friends with conception and a full term pregnancy which has resulted in the birth of another beautiful, healthy miracle on earth. My heart was full of praise for them. I just sat there at my computer and worshiped God for His faithfulness to His children. I read every post from the past two years in that blog. Let me tell you, she documented every thought, feeling and change that occurred during that pregnancy. I wondered if perhaps that would ignite in me the desire to experience another birth child. I still had complete peace about either scenario to adopt, or give birth, up until this point. I got to the end of the blog and I was completely amazed at my personal response. After my mini worship service, I actually thought these words "I have been there and done that three times. God does not need any more of me in this world." SHOCKER! I never imagined getting to the place where I could say that I was done having children. But God was definitely beginning to prepare me for this day. I know you all probably think I am crazy out of my mind, but I love to see a pregnant woman. I think she is one of the most beautiful pictures God ever created. I used to be jealous anytime I saw one. I am in the process of letting go of that desire.

So my next visit was to a listing of Adoption Agencies to explore the possibility of even being eligible for adoption. After viewing the criteria for adoptive parents I noticed that we would meet all the requirements. So I continued. On one of the websites I discovered a reference page of people in our area who had also adopted from China. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the name of a family that I had already met four years prior. EJ took ballet with their little girl. First of all I was amazed that I even recognized their names since we were only acquainted during those brief dance lessons years ago. Then I recalled running into them in Wal-Mart two years ago (just before they were to get their adopted child from China). Their child would have some specific medical needs. I recommended that they might want to consider TIPS (The state Early Intervention program that I worked for) for their transition. For some reason, her husband handed me his business card that day. That was the first time I had ever met him and I am still wondering what prompted him to to do that. I should have been the one giving them my card. Curious isn't it? I am not naturally an organized person and have no idea why I held onto his card, but can you believe that I was able to go right to the place that I had stored his card for two years? God was paving the way by providing a reference of a person that I had already met that lived in my own backyard! I was encouraged to continue my search.

Next I visited the fee schedule. Fear and discouragement set in. I had no idea what it would cost. After seeing the required fees, doubt set in. My hopes soar one minute (that this is right), and the next minute they come crashing down. Wisdom and discernment are two of my spiritual gifts. Most things have been black and white in my life so I have really struggled with my lack of wisdom and discernment pertaining to this decision. I went to bed that night very confused and discouraged.

The next morning I woke to God's small still voice. He whispered, "To whom much is given, much is required." Here is how I interpreted that message.

I have been blessed with so much. A loving, hard working, husband who is completely devoted to God and his family, three healthy girls, my own health, financial stability, supportive family and friends, an education, a comfortable home and life................. the list continues. I was reminded of the cost Jesus paid to adopt me into His family. I considered the sacrifices of my mom, the Jamersons and many others that contributed to my success in life. Would I be willing to make whatever sacrifice necessary to walk in complete obedience. If I was asked to give my last mite would I? Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and walk in faith? Here is where the true conviction came. We have had EJ on the waiting list for an expensive private school for three years now. We had decided that if the came that they called with a place for her, we would consider making whatever sacrifices necessary to make that happen. I have to believe that God was asking me to consider that one child's education is not more valuable than another child's life.

At breakfast that morning (after my night of struggle), EJ opened her yogurt and said, "Hey mommy listen to this." (You know how they have funny sayings and jokes under the aluminum lid?) "NOT ALL THINGS ARE BLACK AND WHITE, BUT PANDAS ARE." All I could think was NO WAY! That is not even a funny joke. What does mean to anyone else. That was just for me. God just spoke to me through a piece of aluminum foil. Icing on the cake. A freebie. And if you know me that's my motto. "If it's for free, it's for me!"

So I was still trying figure out what all the signs meant. I remembered that J has been encouraging me to go on a mission trip for a year now. So I began to doubt that perhaps it's not a call to adoption but to a mission trip. It has been 10 years since I have been on a mission trip. I decided to visit our church's mission trip web page to see upcoming opportunities. If you're like me, by now you will not be surprised to find out that the next available trip was to Hong Kong, China in July (when we had planned to try to get pregnant.) I had to go. God would take me to the other side of the world to make sure that our plan did not happen. The cost of the trip was $2,300. We got our income tax refund of $2,100 the just week we needed it. Not a week to early, not a week too late. God even provided for the cost without having to take it out of savings or budget. I guess you could say this was me throwing out my fleece. I would go to Hong Kong on a VBS mission trip. Maybe that would be enough to satisfy this desire.

There are a couple of other "signs" that happened that week. As I cleaned my junk mail pile, I got to the bottom of the pile. It revealed April's issue of "Nashville Parent" magazine from the month before that I should have already read and discarded. On the front cover it said "Adoption Stories" and had the picture of a little Chinese girl. Hmmmmm? The next Sunday our pastor's sermon challenged us to ask ourselves the following question, "What is the one thing in your life right now that you don't think God is big enough to accomplish?" I sure did have a lot to discuss with J when he returned home!